Communication

The way I see it we have three meeting points:
Mind, Heart and Body

Through conversations our minds can meet. Once we share emotions our hearts can connect. Once we feel each other bodies; the weight, the strength, the physicality, then our bodies meet.

As we interact in the world we normally only meet in minds. Sometimes heart, especially once we deem the other person safe enough to confide in. What about our bodies? Sure there’s the occasional hug or pat on the back, but since we’re also tactile beings, we need more touch. This also translate into the trigger and trauma world where physical co-regulation, as in using another body, another nervous system to regulate our own, makes a massive difference in how we can work through our triggers and other relational “stuff”. Combine this with our inner world of consent; boundaries, my true yes and no, and the depth of our interaction will multiply tenfolds.

Breath, touch, sound and movement are key points that is needed to be brought into our interactions to fully “communicate” with each other on all levels.
And from a primal point of view; without having felt your weight or your strength or the physicality of your emptions, I don’t truly know you.

Imagine being able to interact from an true and honest version of you. Without all the layers of social masks and patterns…

Imagine if everyone else did the same too, how much more intimate any conversation or interaction would be.

True authentic interaction isn’t common

Often it’s experienced in certain workshops or communities focusing on embodiment or authentic relation modalities. Authenticity through expression or authenticity through words.

What’s often the obstacles in everyday life is that the self-reveal needed can be scary for most. Most of us are afraid of the impact, the reaction of the others and so on. It pokes on the natural survival instinct to fit in. Unfortunately what we’re trying to fit into is a very superficial and closed off way of living and being.

I see people in relationships hide their true sexual desires out of fear of rejection from the other. I hear longings and needs being subdued and held back. Not just for weeks, but for years and decades. “They won’t understand…”

I see miscommunication, sub-communication and a lot of strategies at play in order to get needs met, whether it’s at home, in the workplace or out in the world.

That said, being honest and transparent is really f***ing difficult.

I have worked actively on it for years and I still pretend/hide/agree/close down/etc, actively covering my own truth. But without sharing what is actually going on inside me, how can you connect to me? All you’re interacting with are my walls and manufactured personas.

“When I desire a certain outcome,

I’m actually not engaging to connect but to control.”

The first step is to slow down and connect to what is actually going on inside

Then muster up the courage and express that authentically. Name the feelings that are alive and thoughts that are accompanying them. Allow your body to show it, without closing down (crossing the arms etc). Actually, that all there is to it, but unfortunately the layers of patterning, psychology, shadows and tendencies prevents it from being easy.

The solution is to make it a priority to feel, name and share, and continually practice. By making our inner voice heard, we’ll detangle ourselves from some of the egoic attachment to it. Things won’t become so personal once it’s made impersonal by putting it “out there”. Yea, we’ll make mistakes, but even that can be corrected by voicing it.

That said, being honest and transparent is really f***ing difficult.

Even naming the fact that I’m controlling in the moments that I desire a certain outcome, is a step towards connection; “I’m actually saying this in order to impress you, so you might meet my need for validation”. Revealing myself in this way opens the door for you to come in.

Let’s move away from control and focus on connection!

Once we get into the deeper relational or sexual realms the need for authentic transparency is even more called for in our connection with each other. Do I touch you for your benefit or for my own? Do I take pleasure or do I give it? So often there’s a weird mismatch of action and intent, and it makes any touch unclear. So let’s make it clear.

Let’s start being authentically transparent in all our ways of meeting.

We have got to start speaking more “languages; Tools like “wheel of consent”, “non-violent communication”, “radical honesty” and “authentic relating” are all gold for helping us to relate to each other from a more intimate and honest place within ourselves.

A place more true.

Remember:

Boundaries are for you. They are used to define what you will and will not accept. They are designed to control your own behaviour and clearly outline your own tolerance.

Rules are limiters for others. They are designed to control another person’s behaviour according to your values. They seldom work. Agreements on the other hand are ideal, as they are things you openly discuss and agree upon together.

For more tools and practices on relating (in Norwegian), go here.